My heart was racing. I couldn’t catch my breath. What was happening? Was I having a heart attack? I’m in my thirties, and I’m a runner — certainly my heart is fine. But why can’t I breathe?
I took my phone into the closet and frantically searched Google for the signs of a heart attack. What I found made me feel better and worse all at the same time.
Thankfully, I was not having a heart attack! Unfortunately, I was having a panic attack. I had never experienced this before. I laid on the floor and focused on breathing in deep, trying to get this horrible feeling to pass.
Life was so out of control. We had just made our second big move in three years. Starting over again. New friends. New jobs. New places. I was just beginning to feel settled in our last town, and now I needed to start all over.
It might not have been so bad if we had been able to just move and not look back, but our house wasn’t selling. Every week we had to make the hour and a half drive each way to mow the lawn and check on the house. It’s hard to commit to a new city when you have to spend your free time driving back to the old one.
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In a recent episode of America’s Got Talent, Paul Potts, the first winner of Britain’s Got Talent, talked about the impact winning had on his life. He said, “I walked onto that stage a nobody and left it as somebody.” The crowd erupted in applause, and the judges nodded in agreement — but my heart broke.
I wanted to reach through the screen and tell Mr. Potts he was a somebody long before he walked on the stage of Britain’s Got Talent. Perhaps, he was not well known. Maybe he wasn’t asked to sing for the queen or to perform all over the world. Likely, only a handful of people knew he could sing and appreciated the gift he had been given. But, he was not a nobody.
From the moment God formed Paul Potts in his mother’s womb, he was a somebody. He mattered. He had value. He didn’t need the accolades of thousands of people to be somebody. He didn’t need people to cheer for him. He didn’t need to sell millions of albums. He didn’t need people to know his name. He was already known, already cared for, already beloved.
“For we know, brothers and sisters loved by God, that he has chosen you.” 1 Thessalonians 1:4 (NIV)
Someday the voice of Paul Potts will be a distant memory. The next person will step onto the stage, and Paul will be forgotten by the crowds that cheer for him today. If his worth is truly found in the applause of others, he will be left as he was before — a nobody.
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I grew up believing ambition led to success. In school, if I studied and did the work, I would get an A. In sports, if I practiced hard, I was rewarded with more playing time. When I worked my first job, hard work equaled higher pay, more hours, and the admiration of my boss and coworkers.
My achiever personality thrives in that environment! I can finish a project in record speed. When I set a goal, I don’t stop until that goal is completed. I love making lists and checking things off. (I’m one of those crazy people who writes something I just did on the list, just so I can cross it off…don’t laugh, I’m know I’m not the only one!)
My determination runs deep. I can look at a situation and quickly assess what needs to be done. And then, I get it done! My ambition always brought the results I desired. Projects were finished and people were happy. I was happy.
But then, I grew up.
It turns out ambition is not appreciated by everyone. I began to realize some people were jealous of my ambition. They were jealous of the things I accomplished — and instead of celebrating with me, they used that opportunity to tear me down.
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Life is a journey of emotions. No matter how organized we are, when we open our eyes in the morning, we truly have no idea how the day will unfold.
Sometimes life flows along like a well-oiled machine, and other days it feels like we hit a brick wall going 100mph.
When my kids were little, I had days filled with crying, tantrums, spilled milk and broken glass. Days when no one listened, and everyone screamed. Nights when no one slept. Moments when my walls were colored on, my furniture was spilled on, and my favorite new necklace was ripped off my neck. Those days were hard!
It always seemed on those days, when I was at the end of my rope, some well-meaning grandma would tell me, “Enjoy these moments because they go so fast and someday, you’ll miss them.”
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I woke up crabby this week. Nothing was really wrong, but nothing seemed right either. I just wanted to sit on the couch and do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. Have you ever had one of those days? Where you just feel blah. You can’t really put words to it, but you just know that you don’t feel right.
If I’m not careful, those types of days can take me down a dangerous rabbit hole of emotions. Suddenly things that were a little annoying are world shattering. Emotions I had been keeping successfully at bay, are right on the edge of eruption. Tiny failures become gigantic roadblocks. Missed opportunities feel like throw-in the-towel, it’s-never-going-to-get-better, why-do-I-even-bother-trying, do-I even-have-a-purpose-on-this-earth moments.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has days like this!
I don’t know what causes these days. They seem to appear out of thin air, knocking me down in the middle of an otherwise great week. I’ll admit, if it has rained for days and days and I haven’t seen the sun for a week — it is much more likely. However, sometimes life can be going really, really well and still, BAM!
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