Ten Things I Would Tell My Younger Self- Part 2
Last week I started a series, Ten Things I Would Tell My Younger Self. If you missed Part 1, you can read it here.
Today I’m going to share with you the next two things I would tell my younger self. (I was going to do more, but these two ended up being a little longer. )
4. Take Time to Grieve
Life is hard. There are seasons of deep loss and unfathomable pain and brokenness. Our tendency can be to cover the pain with external fixes- food, tv, alcohol, busyness- our list of options goes on and on. Unfortunately, all of these external fixes will only leave us more broken in the end. We can only cover our pain for a time. Someday, we will reap the results of not having processed our grief.
Almost sixteen years ago, my eighteen-year-old brother-in-law was killed in a motorcycle accident. It was instant. We didn’t get to say goodbye. My last conversation with him was tense. He was in a bad mood, and I remember driving out of the driveway and saying, “Wow, Jesse, Uncle Diaperbutt is cranky today.” (He called my two-year-old Diaperbutt and the favor was returned as my two-year-old called him Uncle Diaperbutt.)
In one moment, our lives were changed forever. I didn’t get a phone call that he had been in an accident. I got a phone call that he had died. It wasn’t until about an hour later that I learned how he had died. The grief was unbearable.
I wish that was the only time in my life I had felt that type of grief, but it hasn’t been. I felt that heavy grief when we miscarried our second child. I felt that grief when we packed up our lives and moved to South Dakota last year- leaving everything and everyone I had prayed so hard for. I would like to hope that I’ll never feel it again, but I know that’s not true. Grief will come again.
It is tempting to stuff grief down. To hide it beneath a fake smile. To look for ways to feel better. But the only way through grief is to feel it. Allow yourself to feel the loss. Allow yourself to cry, to sob, to feel all the emotions. Give yourself freedom to pause life.
But do NOT do it alone. Take your grief to your Heavenly Father. Allow Him to walk with you through the pain. God can handle your grief. He doesn’t back away from the pain. Jesus came to save you. Not from your pain, but from having to walk through it alone. He is with you. He will be there. You can tell him everything you are feeling. Don’t leave anything out. You can ask Him questions. You can yell. You can cry. He will not leave you. He will comfort you.
“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” Psalm 34:18
5. Communicate
Before Brad and I were married, we went through a pre-marital counseling class. In that class, we had to take an assessment. This assessment told us that we needed to work on our communication. I was SO mad! We talked all the time. How could we need to work on our communication?!?
It turns out that being able to talk about the day’s events and being able to carry on hours of conversation is not actually communicating. Ha! Granted, it is a level of communication, but a very surface level. In order to have a successful relationship with someone, it is so important to learn how to communicate not just facts, but also feelings and emotions.
The trick to doing this is that we have to actually know what is going on inside of us in order to communicate it effectively. I might know that I’m mad, but just telling you I’m mad doesn’t actually communicate anything or fix anything. Why am I mad? What needs to happen in order for it to change? Often times, our initial emotion is a reaction to a much deeper need, it is rarely about the actual event taking place.
For example, I might feel angry that I was cut off in traffic. But lots of people get cut off in traffic and just let it go, so why did it bother me so much? Was it really about getting to my destination two second later? Probably not. For me, I realized that I would get frustrated when people did not zipper merge correctly- when a second car tries to sneak in when it is not their turn. The real reason I was frustrated was not because one more car went in front of me, but because someone was not following the “rules.”
Rules are important to me. Why? Because rules reveal a level of truth and lies, and my core value is truth. Truth is what I base almost every part of who I am on. I care about the truth. I operate based on truth. I get frustrated when someone else does not care about what is true. I hate lying!
This sounds good, but it becomes a problem when someone else’s core value is honor- for example. They desire honor above all else. They might lie if it will bring either themselves or the other person honor. They would rather bend the truth than risk bringing dishonor into the situation. This can cause conflict with someone like me who operates with a core value of truth.
The solution is communication. I need to recognize what is going on inside of me and then communicate it clearly to the other person. I can say, “I’m sorry if you felt dishonored in this conversation. Truth is very important to me and I felt unvalued when you didn’t tell me the truth. In order for me to feel valued in this relationship, I need you to tell me the truth. And I commit to speaking to you in a way that is honoring to you.”
Communication is knowing what is going on inside of me so that I can effectively share with you what I need. It is also learning how to listen and hear what is going on inside of you so that I can give you what you need. Although learning to communicate effectively takes a lot of time and effort, it is worth it! Your relationships will thrive, and you, personally, will thrive as well.
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Ephesians 4:29
** 10 Things I Would Tell My Younger Self will continue on next week’s blog post. **